APRIL 2001

By Kevin Meininger
CureHodgkins.com Writer

It's been one and a half years since my doctor told me
I was "cured". You'd think those words of wisdom
should be a comfort by now. Or perhaps those quarterly
scans that show over and over again that there is no
activity to fuss about. With all these confirmations
of good health, why do I continue to feel so out of
control?

I've struggled with that question for too long: day in
and day out -- it's the paranoia that won't rest.
Believe me, I've tried to forget. I've tried to block
sections of memory. I've even considered hypnotherapy.
But the bottom line -- what I've come to realize -- is
that forgetting about the experience is not possible,
and it's not the answer.

The answer I'm searching for is one that will put
these fears to rest, one that will give me the
strength and control to live a normal life again.
There are so many important things to worry about --
like what my stocks will do in the market today, or if
I remembered to pick up extra vanilla on my way home
from work so I can make chocolate chipless cookies
with my sweetie this weekend, or if my car battery
will keep cranking until the frosty mornings are no
longer, or how cute a smile my new baby will have when
it's finally born... The truth is, getting on with the
rest of my life is much more important than sitting
around waiting to get sick again.

So I've decided to get proactive and do something
about it. Instead of running from the fear as I've
done up to this point (which obviously has run me in
circles), I'm going to try tackling it head-on. At
first this was very scary because instead of blocking
triggers to those memories, I've opened the gate and
let them pass through like casual coffee conversation.
I've started talking about "when I used to be sick"
and I even remember things now that I haven't thought
about in years. I can already tell that my tolerance
levels are increasing.

There are some things I still can't quite do. Like
trying to sit through a drama whose plot revolves
around cancer or disease. It makes me feel very
uncomfortable and anxious. I don't think I'm ready for
that yet. It's hard enough to deal with reality let
alone a scripted performance of that terror.

Another step I've taken is to get professional help. I
called my employee assistance hotline and got referred
to a local survivors group. This is a monthly group
where I can go and get support from other people who
are having the same struggles that I am. Talking about
your fears is one of the best ways to put them in the
past. My first meeting will begin next month; I hope
to make lots of friends.

Sounds like I have it all under control, huh? To be
honest, these are just aspirations to make good on. I
can't deny that I do have a problem with being
paranoid -- fear of chemicals, poor sleep and eating
regimens, body massage, or anything else that really
boils down to fear of getting sick again. What I do
have though, is a plan. If you want to make things
better, you've got to undergo change. And to do that,
you need a plan.

So I'm drawing a new line in the sand -- it's the line
between reasonability and paranoia. One day, I hope to
jump across and enjoy life along the surf once again.
Most of my friends hang out over there anyway. And
maybe with a bit of good luck and positive energy, a
big wave will wash ashore and erase that line for
good.

 

CureHodgkins.com is proud to welcome Kevin Meininger to the CureHodgkins.com Staff.