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MAY 2001
By Kevin Meininger
CureHodgkins.com Writer
Before
delving into my column for this month, I wanted to follow-up and share with you
the experience I had in attending my local survivor support group during this
past month.
To
be honest, I really didn't think it would be as difficult as it actually turned
out to be. For a long time, I avoided the thought of getting help because I
really didn't think I needed any. Since I've been "out of treatment"
for one and a half years now, you'd think I would have stabilized to the point
where I wouldn't need help anymore. This may be partially true, as I can say
confidently that my life is more "together" now than probably ever
before. But there are still touchy subjects repressed in my memory that I
promised myself I would deal with in the last column. It may be easier to
overlook them in the short-run, but I believe they must be exposed and overcome
to be successful in the long-run.
So
as the day of the group meeting approached I tried not to think too much about
it -- fortunately I always seem to be busy enough at work to get lost in one
project after another. But this day I was careful to make sure I left the office
on time so I could get ready for that first meeting.
The
group meets in a private setting not too far from the hospital. I found it to be
very comfortable with several couches, chairs and an overall cheerful
atmosphere. It was a good environment to relax in.
However,
on this first day of mine, "relax" was not a thought I could get my
brain to register. The group started in a typical circle by letting the members
introduce themselves one after another. The group was rather large (about 20
people) and I was situated near the end of the circle.
As
more and more people began sharing their stories, I began to feel more and more
anxious. I'm not exactly sure why I felt so uptight, except to say that I felt
like I had just gone through my treatment yesterday. It was very bizarre, and
certainly very scary. I felt like all the control I had worked so hard to garner
over the past 18 months had flown right out the window, and that I was as
vulnerable as being hooked up to an IV.
The
group environment had succeeded in breaking down my guard -- just being there
and listening to other peoples' stories. By the time the circle reached me, I
was a wreck.
I
tried to stay calm but I just couldn't do it, and I knew I couldn't just stay
quiet. So I forced myself to start speaking, despite the shaky tears and hoarse
voice.
Sharing
those thoughts that I haven't thought about in years -- and perhaps haven't
shared ever -- was definitely a risk from my point of view. But I can tell you
for certain that doing this truly felt like shedding some great burden when it
was all over.
Almost
instantaneously, the group compassion could be felt, and the angst had all gone
away. It really felt good to "come clean" -- to expose that ugly
memory for a change.
Participating
in the support group has given me a better outlook moving forward. I now have a
new perspective on what it means to be afraid, understanding the role of
paranoia, and how to live to be a survivor for tomorrow.
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Part
II: Finding your passions
What
is a passion? Quite simply, anything your heart aspires to do -- but that which
all too often is negated by reasonable force of the mind. We all have them, and
we all block them from becoming reality to some degree.
If
there's one thing I've learned through all my experiences with the big C, it
would be that life is too short to be wasted! It's much more satisfying to
identify your passions -- and be able to live them!
I
had a lot of time to think while I was sick in bed and waiting to get better. It
occurred to me that I could not continue to take my time for granted, and that
there were so many things I wanted to feel accomplished in (I guess kinda like
that list some people think about as they approach age 40). Anyway, I made a
pact with myself to stop procrastinating and to get these things prioritized!
One
of the things I often found myself doing was keeping up with the Food Network
cable channel. At first I thought I was doing this in connection with the fact
that I could hardly eat anything without feeling sick. But I think it was deeper
than that: this was an underlying passion coming to the surface in me.
Since
I've started my journey as a survivor, I've really taken a serious interest in
my food passion. I have watched many cooking shows and been to a live class or
two. I find it very challenging in a new dimension to be able to invent things
for the dinner table. One day I might even like to retire from the rat-race and
open a quiet little bakery... hmmmm...
Another
passion I have been pursuing lately is mastering "The Great Game," aka
the stock markets. I have always been interested in what makes the markets tick,
and now I'm convinced that only experience can yield this wisdom. There is so
much to learn and so many different areas to focus on; I have picked a handful
of interesting but challenging sectors to keep me occupied. Sometimes I feel
like I'm chasing my tail on this one, but I do know that knowledge is never a
waste. So I like to think of my experience as serendipitous -- expanding my
horizons in ways which I have not yet discovered.
The
bottom line is, we should all turn off the television and take a step back once
in awhile. Imagine how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of it all --
just a spec of dust in the universe really -- but we have been given the gift of
LIFE, a gift that should not be wasted under any circumstance.
So
my advice is to identify those passions you have running through your blood...
and turn them into objectives. What are you waiting for?
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